Welcome back to The Microdose Diet a newsletter about getting more success, passion and happiness in your life and career by using alternative medicines, such as microdosing psychedelics. 🍄
In the last few months I have come to the sad realization that many of my relationships were unhealthy, and more precisely narcissistic. When you think about it for a minute it does make a lot of sense. Like many, I was conditioned to be a people-pleaser, a giver, so logically takers and self-centered selfish individuals absolutely love me:
You want to talk about your boyfriend and how his ex-wife is pseudo-harassing you for 2 hours? Of course, I will be delighted to be your emotional garbage! In addition, I will provide you with support, pick up the check and won’t even feel hurt when you don’t ask me one thing about my life.
You cancel on me once again at the last minute? No problem, I understand that you have more important people to see than me. Let’s reschedule for when you have nothing better to do. And guess what, I will pick up the check.
You expect me to do the lion’s share of the work but expect equal compensation? Seems like a great idea, thank you for the opportunity! And maybe I can pick up the check too?
You want to see me regularly so I can advise you on your career, business, relationships, microdosing, etc…without anything in return? That would be my pleasure. And guess what? I can pick up the check too!
And when it is my turn to ask for your time, advice and support for my career and my life? Crickets. Or you do your best to give me as little as humanely possible to keep up the appearances and deniability. Or you turn the tables and make me the self-centered one for having needs too.
Does it sound familiar to you?! If it is, then ABSOLUTELY read on. If it doesn’t resonate with you whether you have great boundaries (congratulations🎉), whether you are in denial. After all, who wants to admit that their friends would not be there without the benefits of taking advantage of them? It is not an easy realization, nor is the process of eliminating these toxic relationships from your life.
Happy Reading and enjoy learning more about how to start curating your network for a more balanced equation.
Last year I was chatting with one of my girlfriends who is a retail entrepreneur. I was complimenting her on the media visibility her products were garnering. As I went on to say that she must have received a lot of thumbs up from her network, friends and family she started to laugh. As you imagine due to the topic covered, it was a wry laugh. She went on to tell me that almost none had congratulated her for her success. And she is one of the kindest, most generous, caring person I have ever met. Which is probably the root cause of the problem.
You see, life likes balance. The most selfless a person you are, the more selfish self-centered individuals will be attracted to you. And maybe you are only selfless in one dimension of your life: your career, your personal life, your friendship. It will usually be the one you have the least amount of self-confidence, self-worth and self-respect in. I have met hard as nail execs who were doormats in their private lives and the other way around.
Maybe you are more like this friend and I who tend to be used in most of their relationships one way or another.
Here are some tips and tricks on how to be more mindful of the type of the relationships you are in and on how to extricate yourself from the toxic ones.
📰Educate Yourself
If you don’t know what a toxic relationship is, or what a narcissist is, you are unlikely to see the red flags. Of the same token, if you are not aware of what a healthy relationship looks like, it is difficult to aim for one.
I like very much to listen to Dr Ramani on YT from time to time. It gives me great insights on what is acceptable and what is not in a relationship. Yes it might feel odd to need that guidance, but I have never met anyone who has been taught what a good relationship was and how to maintain one. So we all go through life, with our 20 layers of conditioning, attracted by the familiar, trying to figure out a model that works for us and others. And the big challenge is that familiar is rarely good…
You can learn more about How to See through the BS & Gaslighting and if Corporations are Gaslighting Psychopaths by following the links.
Interested by “Psychedelic productivity: Can microdosing psilocybin boost your performance at work?” ? Watch me on CBS6 News
💻Take Stock of Your Life
You don’t wake up, as an adult, with suddenly toxic relationships around you. This is a life-long pattern, bred in people-pleasing and anchored in fear; “If I don’t act in the way this person wants, they will reject/ hurt/ abandon me”. Weak boundaries are taught in childhood by caregivers who took this shortcut to make their lives easier (or at least less challenging!).
The goal here is not to point fingers but to realize that emotional, psychological, and physical blackmail shape kids’ psyche very strongly. So if Mom or Dad liked you very much when you were acting in the “right way” and way less when you didn’t, you have likely internalized that framework. And depending on the degree of control and manipulation exerted, you might now be a raging people-pleaser…catnip for narcissistic people!
💪Take Responsibility
Now that you know more about toxic people and if you are a magnet to narcissists, it is time to realize that it takes 2 to tango.
For someone to take too much, someone has to give too much. It is time to realize that you opened the door to the big bad wolf and that he made himself very comfortable in your life.
When you were a child you had pretty much no agency on what adults made you do or not. But you are not a child anymore, so it is in your power to change the situation. It is not easy, nor pleasant, nor fast, but the alternative of a life of narcissistic relationships should be a good motivator. 😁
✂️Start Cutting
You can call it pruning or curating if cutting seems too harsh and ruthless. But the bottom line is to start letting go of these toxic individuals. You might think “why don’t I try to recalibrate these relationships?”. This might work in 45/55 or even 40/60 type of relationships, but it is likely that you have embarked in 20/80 if not 10/90 relationships and these are not salvable.
Keep in mind that these individuals were, consciously and unconsciously, attracted to you so they could take advantage of you. They have no interest in an equal relationship with you. They will just go elsewhere to find someone else who can give them their supply of support, funding, attention and so on.
So where do you start? The low-hanging fruits!🍎
Start by “releasing” the people with the lowest importance in your life and the highest level of toxicity, ideally prepare a little cost-benefit analysis of your relationships. The first to go will be the most toxic, less essential individuals, And then you move up the food-chain.
Keep the most important relationships for the end, you want to hone your muscles first! 🏋️
You will likely not be able to cut all the one-sided relationships in your life, but at least you can be prepared to see through the manipulation and not to be taken advantage of anymore.
❤️ Focus on You & Increase Your Self-Worth
The best way to not have to cut one-sided relationships is to avoid them in the first place. If you have high degrees of self-esteem, self-respect and self-confidence, you are less likely to attract toxic people. They will be attracted to easier preys.
As I have been increasing my sense of self-generated self worth, selfish and narcissistic people have been falling from my life in drove. Not necessarily quietly and elegantly, as these people never leave quietly, nor elegantly, but they did realize that this new attitude of me of expecting to be treated with respect was not convenient, nor acceptable to them: “What do you mean you expect ME to see YOU as as important as ME?!”
🥊Expect Push back
And that brings me to the last part…they won’t go down without trying to turn the tables on you, and make YOU the problem: the one who is self-centered, the one who doesn’t understand, the one who should make an effort, the one who is ungrateful, the one who is too sensitive and so on…
And you know what?! You will likely doubt yourself! Find them excuses or reasons to justify their behaviors…and this is when you need to go back to step one “Educate Yourself” for a dose of reality, not the twilight zone narcissists love to keep you in.
Making you doubt yourself is Narcissism 101, it is the entire premise of their manipulation techniques. Lying, twisting facts, invalidating, blowing hot and cold, gaslighting, silent treatment, all of that has one goal - keeping you in check so that when they need you, you are available. And when they don’t, you are out of their sights.
So they will definitely push back when you start asserting yourself in this relationship. This is when more than ever you need to have this unwavering knowing that “No, this is BS, it is unacceptable and I won’t accept it anymore”.
Good Luck and Happy Pruning!
Once you've finished the episode, I’d love to hear your thoughts! Comment to share your views ✍️
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About The Microdose Diet
The Microdose Diet by Peggy Van de Plassche focuses on personal and professional development using alternative medicines, such as microdosing psilocybin, tapping meditation, journaling, guided meditation and visualization ✨
I am Peggy Van de Plassche, a former banker and VC who spent 20 years in the financial services and technology industries. I now speak and write about the benefits of alternative medicines, such as microdosing psilocybin, for professional and personal growth. I created More! The Microdose Diet - the 90 Day Plan for Success, Passion and Happiness🍾 My book will be published in 2024 and available for pre-order on Amazon.ca and Amazon.com in November 2023.
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This newsletter is designed to entertain and inform, not provide medical advice. You should always consult your doctor when it comes to your personal health or before you start any treatment 🩺
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I've been lucky I think -- most of my relationships have been genuine. You do come across narcissists, of course, but I think I've successfully avoided getting too close. In fact, some of the narcissists I've been around have been a lot of fun, as long as you go in with low expectations about what you need from them emotionally and what time they'll show up (if they show up at all...)
And yeah, I often pick up the check, too. But it's usually with eyes wide open.
So I guess it comes down to relationship management: low expectations and high tolerance. At least in short, short spurts. I try to make sure that I'm still in charge of my emotions rather than let them "have at it". Keeps my sanity intact! lol